my poor heart muscle

Housesitting at Traci's. Couple weeks before we left Kentucky.

Beat sobs and tears leaving Kentucky. All the way to Nashville en route to Alabama. In Alabama, we met Ryan, in chik-fil-a, and my heart cried some more. Because even though it had left a place, it had found it's home again. (not chik-fil-a, but Ryan, thank you. and Chik-fil-a was the only thing with a playground in site, out of the humidity)

It cried proud tears during Air Force Graduation (and I have said, if you get the chance to ever attend a military graduation. Go. Without hesitation. It was moving and reminded me that this country is grand and that it's people are good. )

Ryan upfront. Squadron Commander. Part of his group of 130.

One week later my heart left dang Montgomery (sorry, but it was not a place I would need to visit again) and drove to Paduka, Kentucky, through St. Louis' Arch, then onto to Independence Missouri, where it was touched some more. By the early saints. And the Prophet Joseph. And all because of our Savior.

From there we went through corn fields and small towns where my heart felt the beauty of our country. From sea to shining sea. It is beautiful. We stayed over in Nebraska and then Wyoming. 2 cars carrying 1200 pounds all the way west.

My heart met neighba-lady in Salt Lake for lunch. And then travelled up to Mountain Home. Where it cried tears of love for seeing family again. The truck unloaded us and then my heart traveled back down to Salt Lake to see a sweet baby blessing and to be reminded that good friends have made my life much richer. We came back to Mountain Home for a couple days and then traveled onto California. To meet more family and cousins and be reminded that 3 years away from a grandparents house was too long. My heart got back to Mountain Home last week.

And my heart teared up in church at our new ward yesterday because it misses the old. And at Tanner's school today. Because I watched him play by himself. And I know. Adjusting to a new place takes time.

My heart beat contentedly at Sunday Dinner with grandparents and family because that had been missed all these years. And it laughed at Ryan who has been pulled over three times in the past month (twice on base) and once in town here. Because everyone drives 10 under the speed and he was driving 5 over. Get it right Captain.

And so my heart goes on. Trying to get set back on the same beat as before. Back to the daily routine. Laundry and grocery shopping. Watching kids. Figuring out this military wife thing. Taking care of my home. Where my heart beat means the most.

Moving Out- Signing off

The packers are here, the kids are off with the sitter for 3 days and to playdates (thank you good mom friends), Ryan is trying to survive boot camp, and I have everyones suitcases packed to live out of for a month. On the road again is going to be our theme. From hotel, to neigbha-ladies, to friends and then down to Alabama. To see this:

http://www.au.af.mil/au/holmcenter/OTS/COT-RCOT/CommissionedOfficerTraining.asp

click on the video link. It will make you feel proud. Proud of the people that make up this great country that we live in- well it's a little boring, I admit. They made Ryan in charge of 1/3 of his class of 350. He admits he has no idea what he is doing.


I have to say goodbye. To this home. To Kentucky. To our training here. I can't handle the friend goodbyes yet. I don't think I will ever be ready. See ya again from Idaho.


Neighba-lady dropped off some pillows for my kids. She made an Emma doll and Jackson dog and Tanner and Landon pj bottoms. All stuffed in pockets with their initial. And a carry handle. For the road she said, as I think, can't you just move with me? Thanks to the Smiths as well for Kazoing!

Firsts

real quick
first birthday (I love this fatty, popsicle loving, mama saying, baby.)

first 10 year anniversary (I love this man and all that comes with him)
first "High & Tight" military haircut. (I love, that once I stopped crying, I realized he can pull it off pretty well.)

First garage sale, first boot camp, first time Ryan and I have been more than 3 weeks apart, then, first house closing and first major house move. All by myself. I can do it! Okay, with the full-service packers/movers and some friend help and hiring a YW's help too.

Just got to get through the next week til we are packed- then off to hotels and housesitting until Ryan gets back. Vacation the kids think. Oh, I hope.

I know. Who cares about the back of all those peoples heads, you think. I wish I could have shown it all. We sat at the back of the room, taking up one table. (That's what happens when you have family that has been there through the long haul of medical training- there makes enough to fill a table). Ryan was the last to be announced. The last of 20 Internal Medicine doctors, who were each introduced and recognized for personal and career accomplishments. Some had cancer, some had lost parents, some had come to the states and could not speak English in college- just there native language, some had grandchildren, some had prior "lives" as mechanics and accountants. Mine was introduced as (paraphrased here), "Dr, Williams is a graduate of St. George's University. He will be a Captain in the United States Air Force, where I bet he will be embarrassed when he is saluted to. He has been hardly heard to complain, or get mad, he's the same through and through, has worked hard and long and is our graduating resident who has 4 children."

I'd like to add he did publish some research. He did presentations. He was encouraged to try for different specialties from his attendings. He did have 5 or so jobs on the side to carry us through. He did recieve a reward for thanks in recognition for his teaching.

But, when Ryan got up to accept his certificate he said none of that, he thanked his attendings and the University and said, "I know many of you have asked me how I have done this with 4 kids. I've told some of you before, that without my kids, I could have done none of this. They have given me balance."

So, the picture is bad. But, I don't care. I love that he loves us so much. Enough to say so even in front of his colleagues and distinguished attendings.

Ryan's mom and dad. I am so glad they were able to be there with us.

We ended our weekend with Tanner's Baptism. Thank you all for the refreshment help (you know who you are!), and letting me borrow things, and for those that helped with the program, and for those that came to show there love to Tanner. Thank you to those who let us know they wished they could have been there. As I looked around the room, I was grateful for each person that was there. It was a special day for our family, and I know Tanner won't forget how he felt.

ps- now, onto cleaning out the house, getting Ryan off to boot camp in 10 days, and our house closing on the 10th.

Come if you can!

(Sticking this up top. See below for new posts.)

It's just... momentous

We accepted an offer on our home. We have our inspections tomorrow and then are supposed to close in 4 weeks or so. Ryan will be long gone to boot camp. We have a full-service move, care of the USAF, and I am still trying to nail down where we can hang out for 4 weeks until Ryan gets back to drive us west. Idaho here we come. But, how hard it will be to look back and see our friends and neighbors being left behind. I just cannot think of it quite yet...

School ended on Friday! Ryan grew up with the tradition of "Donut Day"... and so it continues.

We looked at our calendar and realized this was the last weekend we could all go on our steamboat ride. The Belle of Louisville is the oldest still working steamboat in the country. We LOVED it. The steam pipes blow old-time music and we ate our lunch up top on the observation deck. Thank you Grandma and Grandpa Williams!

Today is the last day ever. EVER. Of Ryan's overnight call as an Internal Medicine Resident. Really people. Someone should applause.

Three years ago, when we first started residency, I remember seeing him walk through the door after hours and days gone and the wear was all over his face. I remember really thinking, what have we done? Is this what we want with our life? Is is worth it? It has been hard. It's been a real pressure cooker. He's seen the whole gamut of human emotions in dealing with the health and well being of people. The stories he has! (I'm going to blog about those later.)


When I can, I try to bring him dinner at the Veterans Hospital. It's the closest. Sometimes, I get there and he gets paged or has to run to an emergency (code)... I never know if we can sit and eat with him or if it's a drop at the curb. Today, things seemed slow, and we got lucky.

Entrance to VA Here he comes

We woke him up. Sleep when you can is how it goes. Sharing dinner in the ICU team room.

They play doctor with the phones and computers.

Off we leave him. As I push the stroller out I hear some vet yell to Ryan, hey what's up doc?

He chats back with him and I think it's nice to see him like this. On his last night of call.

And he is still happy.

And finally, we have Ryan's parents coming into town this week. Ryan has his program graduation fancy banquet and Tanner is getting baptized. Eight years ago we had this little boy that's been there through it all with us. Closing one chapter of our life this week for Ryan and yet just starting out for Tanner. I'm telling you, it all feels momentous. Please come if you can.

Memorial Day

as said by Muhammad....

My thanks is not enough.

My guy...s

I dragged up this picture. Must have been after a call night and Ryan returned home after church on Sunday. But, I'm about to kiss those 3-years worth of dadless Sundays away. Just 6 more weeks of residency (almost 11 years of schooling and training completed). Unbelievable. I am so proud of my biggest guy.

I'll be honest

I've been thinking. "I should blog this...." And then I think, aghhhh, but it is so whiny. And wimpy of me. And should I use this place to blog some things that are so sensitive to me or my family? Or that show me in a light that does not show me managing stress well. I mean, I know I can be lousy, but does anyone else have to know that so specifically too?

So, I will keep it pretty basic.

-Jackson got his first haircut.
-Ryan got stuck by a needle from an elderly patient that had "Hey" and "Baby" tattooed on each of her inner thighs. She was screened, she's clean, and my husband says now he is related to "Hey Baby."
-Tanner's going to reading tutoring that costs us more than some of Ryan's community college classes. I love this kid- he tries really really hard. We have some hard choices to make for him- I should say, they feel hard to me. In the whole scheme- so minor. So minor.
-Landon talks more and more. And if we understand him incorrectly, he yells at us. Okay, mostly me. Star Wars and Superhero's are still his theme.
-I've taken up reading again. I decided to start with classics that I have never read. Isn't that shameful?
-I've also taken up lots of cleaning. Especially for the last minute showings that cancel- not really, but some. I love my Sharp Steam mop (anyone want a demonstration?)
-Emma said her favorite meal that I make her is... cereal. How much wasted time do I spend in the kitchen!
-We recieved paperwork from the AF asking us to request a date that we need our stuff picked up. We have just over 90 days. We are supposed to sign in on base August 8th. I am completely at loss for what to tell them. It depends on the status of the house.
-I'm dreading Ryan being at boot camp for 5 weeks and the possibilty that I will have to close the house up by myself. And-four-little-kids. Put me in the psych ward right now.
-Lunch here with student/doctor moms- thank you for coming; impromptu BBQ with friends and neighbors, had to coerce them to come.
-We were out on a late date night. Went to the book store and we sat and I read a book almost from cover to cover to Ryan. The "9-inch plate diet". Says eat off a smaller plate and lose weight. Oh, and it also said that for every inch the plate increases your fanny does too. Or something like that. I'm committed. We ate off 9-inch plates tonight.
- I jumped rope with the Emma & Landon in the house with a long scarf as a rope. They couldn't quite get the timing right with the arm swing. Keep practicing.
-Mother's Day. I love the mom's in my life. I need to keep practicing too- to be more like them.

Kentucky Derby

It got to me this year. (Is it because it's our last while we live here?) I watched the show Jockey on Animal Planet and it added a more personal element to the sport. And then Kentucky just goes wild for Derby. It's a big deal. The race was exciting, the company and hostess even better, had a little of Derby Pie (Vicki O style) and told myself, next year, in Mountain Home, I'm hosting a Derby party, with the corn hole set up, and the race on countdown. (My neighbors are going to wonder what kind of people are they, I'm sure.) My favorite quote from the jockey of the long-shot winning $9500 hundred dollar horse was when he realized he had a chance from the back and was making his way up he told himself in surprise, "He's... gonna get (t)here!" They ran last for a good portion of the race and then hung onto the middle gate and went straight up. It really was awesome.

Tanner turns 8

tanner at 10 months

Oh my Tanner! This baby boy that we had took so much...so much.... energy! And I have seen how much I have grown up because of him. It is hard to realize how fast these past years have gone by and I hope that I have not screwed him up too much :). He has caused me to pray more, have more patience, be more protective, & love more unconditionally. I miss his baby years, those fat cheeks and round hands and yet, I have my little Jacks. Who looks just like him. I hope Jacks gets even a little more of Tanner too.

We threw a Rock Band party for him. I should preface this that since we know we are leaving in a few weeks, and the gang of boys Tanner plays with on our street is always around my yard or next door, I thought this would be easy and perfect for a last hoorah of sorts. Just plug in the Wii. Have some cake. I sent out invitations with backstage passes to access the party (see below). But then I had some of the boy gang tell me they were so excited to come to Tanner's party because we were going to make a stage in our house! Oh my! So, I rented some DJ lights, Ryan made a stage curtain and acted like a bouncer, I tried to have a red (wrapping paper) "carpet" up to the front door with stars with each of the boys' names on them (thanks Amy S.!) but the "carpet" blew away in the wind. I had inflatable guitars, over a dozen black star inflated balloons from the dollar tree, glow sticks, tried to set a band food table with candy jars, watermelon and jello jiggler cups, we had pizza delivered, blew through 80 something drinks (yes EIGHTYish), and I sent each boy home with the a Rock N' Roll t-shirt (like the one Tanner and Landon have on in the pictures), pop rocks, and whistle suckers. I didn't get enough pictures! We harassed the Gold's to come over and help us control the crowd. Extra hands were needed, so thanks to them.

Tanner told us he loved the night. We had kids break dance, the drum stick broken on the FIRST song by a sheer second-graders drumming force, and told ourselves maybe another rock band party. Maybe. When Jackson is 8 and Tanner can help then. Just maybe. ;)

Emma's full table

Emma turned 4 earlier this month. We had a "family party". The best kind of party- no planning or invitations! Even though we have not lived by family in a long, long time, we are always so grateful to "make" family where we live. This picture does not even show how many people we have come to love here in Kentucky and have stepped in as surrogates family members for us. We've spent holidays and birthdays with them. We've been taken care of by them. My little family is going to have a really big adjustment to make in the next couple months. We will miss our Kentucky family and yet our excited to live by some Grandmas and Grandpas and uncles finally.
My neighbor boy. Gage. We love him. He shows up unexpectedly enough that we expect him. (Some classic Gage lines, "I know you love me," and, "I know my new hair cut looks good, " in regards to me complimenting him on it.)

She had many presents, but had asked for a white dress over and over. A wedding dress it was.

I love The Locator

Do you watch it? "You can't find peace until you find all the pieces," is the pitch.

I just love it and cry and have even caught my husband weeping a tear.

I was mentioning to my LDS friend RuthAnn how much I loved this show. They moved here from Florida. Come to find out they call Troy Dunn (ie- The Locator) & his wife, close friends. They hung out in Florida together. Troy is an LDS bishop and successful businessman and Ruthann and her husband had lunch with him lately at PF Changs. He wrote me a note: (not that you care, but click on it to get a clear read.)

She quietly handed me the note in an envelope while I was working in nursery. When I opened and read it I got so excited. Too bad the male nursery leaders didn't appreciate the note! They had not seen the show. Take a look at how the show started and then Troys favorite reunion:

RuthAnn said he pitched his show to other TV stations. They wanted to dirty and drama the show up more. He wouldn't- and he was right. Some TV executives have had to eat crow. Check it out on WE tv. Thank you Troy Dunn! And RuthAnn! My husband says he's going to frame the note for me as an anniversary present... whatever, I still want the ring. :)

She's four.

And I realized I have just one more year home with her. I don't think I will ever be ready to send her to school...

To Build-A-Bear with Ryan and I this morning, and lunch too. We have a family party tonight with Pizza and cake. She came downstairs this morning and saw that I had really simply decorated and she smiled and laughed and thanked me too. It should be the other way around. How grateful I am that she is ours.

Easter 2009

We used the Resurrection Eggs again this year. We talked about Jesus and colored eggs and anticipated the Easter Bunny, then when he came on Saturday morning (Ryan worked in the morning on Sunday) Emma found the first basket and asked, "What's that for?" We rushed too find them all, to then rush out the door, for a 9am Saturday house showing (vacuum as you go out you know?) But, it was a nice weather weekend and we finished off Easter Sunday at dessert with some favorite neighbors.