Mother-Love

"As mothers, we occupy a unique and cherished spot in the hearts of our children.

We must not underestimate the power of our position"- Debbie Bowan.

Completely evident is the seemingly soon impending arrival of our baby and I have found myself really contemplating just how I will manage. I have no intention of sounding as a martyr and I know that some things, like mothering, cause women to rise to the challenge. Maybe not perfectly, but at least with a whole hearted effort. I've thought about myself as the caretaker of these little lovelies in my life and wonder if I yell too much and over worry about the order and cleanliness of our home and are the meals healthy enough and shouldn't I be brushing there teeth much more thoroughly and working with Tanner on his reading and turning the TV off more and... the list goes on. And on. The best advice I read lately shared,

"Many mothers would do well to do things that are beneficial to themselves and therefore beneficial to their children. So consider being kinder to yourself in some way... take a nap when needed, by recognizing that you are a better mother than you sometimes think you are, by giving yourself a break when it comes to getting it all done today."

I don't think most of the things I worry about will be that significant years down the road, but I do seem to hang by them now instead. And I believe I need to try and stop and just remember, that those 3 little kids that are all bunched up on the same cushion under 1 blanket, although we have many cushions and blankets, would always first choose to be loved really well by me. I really believe that. In order for me to love them really well, I need to be kinder and gentler with myself. I will have some major adjustments to face in the next month or so, finding new ways to juggle and adjust and adore each child in the right way. I can't forget to be a loving mother to myself either.

Baby, don't come!

I took the kids to Hubbers Farm last week- I was feeling just a bit off, but who feels really great in the last trimester? Well, by night, I was in labor. Ryan cancelled on a shift, came home to get me and then dropped me off at the hospital because we couldn't get in touch with anyone to come watch the kids. They stopped my every 3 minutes contractions with a shot and hydrated me with an IV. I won't lie, I tried not to have a pity party for myself, amongst being worried about the baby and really awakened to the truth that I have to stop doing much of anything. I was 30.5 weeks, dilating and drugged, and came home and slept through the weekend and have started on an oral medicine to stop contractions that I have to take every 4 hours or more as needed. I'm so grateful for the 2 dads that watched our kids so Ryan could come get me from the hospital and for the kindness' of good neighbors (the yummy meal "neighba lady") and inquiries of concern from visiting teachers, friends and family.

Since I have had to "clear my calendar" a bit- not like it is ever really that full- I have struggled with trying to not feel so worthless. I also realized I had a list of things to do before the baby was to come, much organizing and some landscape work and overall just getting things ready. Ryan has had to help out a lot more- and does so willingly. My, "Hey, can you lift this?" or "You will have to do the grocery shopping." and mostly, "I need to go sit down." are always met with concern and support and without complaint. Thankfully his schedule has not been so rigorous as usual. He has tried to discourage me from feeling worthless and encourages me that "things will be just fine!"Just more reasons why I love my husband.

Ryan

Due to my pre-term labor (previous post), Ryan has been busy. This week he did some landscaping and put in a new mailbox for me. He's worked a bunch in the backyard and still has to keep up on work reading and the rest of his work life. But, he did get a new truck. It makes his life all the sweeter for certain.

He drove up to cincinatti and came home with a '05 Quad-Cab Dodge Dakota. IT is really nice and the AC works, and it has no waterfall leaks, and it was exactly what he wanted. He has offically graduated from the High School car- he got $250 whopping bucks for it- I figure he got a cent per mile that the car had on it. It was a good car while it lasted.

Coinage

This is Landon. With a coin inside.

I was near him as he gulped it. I called Ryan who told me to bring him into the Urgent Care Clinic he was at, Landon was ex-rayed and confirmed of "coinage" and then instructed by "Dr. Williams" to strain the diapers until the coin is found. This took place with all kids bathed and ready for bed... but the coin did pass 2 days later. It's a penny.

Wishes

Emma: Mommy, did your wish come true?
Suprised by the random question, I look at her and she repeats it again. She has the sweetest blue eyes and I love her so.
My response, "Yes Emma, you were my wish!"

Hinckley Challenge Accomplished

It was a commitment for me to read the entire BOM in the 97 days. Ryan thought if I was reading so routinely I should have had a better attitude. He told me that on an occasion or two. With a smile.

I do love this book! Reading it through at such a pace helped me to keep the storyline better organized in my mind and reaffirmed to me that no matter what or where, our Heavenly Father is always, always aware of us. I never want to have Him, "be slow to hear my cries," and hope that I will try harder to show gratitude and love to Him by being a better daughter of his.

Really, I can do that too....

maybe not. Ryan's sisters husband has made some serious physical changes. In just 12 WEEKS. For the cause of the Gold's Gym Challenge. And if he wins he get 14k. And I promise it is him in both the before and after.... no joke and no stand-ins. Just Joe.

Tanner turned 7

Born in San Diego, a hefty baby at 9lbs. He was our only child for 4 years... he's moved with us 8 of our 10 times, has always been very strong-willed, and still maintains to need very little sleep. He's been there when Ryan finished undergraduate, started and finished medical school and started residency. He's snorkeled the world famous Tobago Keys, watched a whale breech near the shore on a desolate beach, has a passport stamped that many adults don't have, loves flashlights and has a collection, and is great with Lego's. He growls and likes to wrestle and seems to run everywhere in the house. Landon is always happy to see him and Emma knows she can always get praise from him in her dress-ups. He wants to be like his dad, and I can see both Ryan and I in him in different ways. I can't believe I have a seven year old and can't hardly remember what my life was like before him. For certain, not as good as it has been now that we have him.

10 months

2 1/2 years on our first island.
a good swimmer early on
3 1/2 at preschool graduation 5 years old
just this year

Worth Mentioning

- I heard Tanner tell Emma to stop singing her song since she didn't know how to sing it right. Then he asked her, "Do you even know what you are singing?" She stopped and then just kept singing. Yes, he was annoyed.

- I think Landon has hit the terrible 2's a bit early- or maybe Ryan's vacation ruined him. He doesn't want much of me anymore. Just Ryan and Ryan and Ryan and maybe the Wii. Possibly that is due to his Allergy Visit. (next item)

- Landon has had rash reactions for over a year requiring adrenaline shots and steroids to stop the reaction. I took him to see a specialist where they grid his back and pricked his back 48 times. I had to hold him still. Maybe that is why he likes Ryan more than me? Anyhow, he has namely, Dermatographic Urticaria (Skin Writing disorder) that causes him to react more strongly to things that bother him. He is allergic to egg yolks, ragweed, grass, mold, pet stuff. Ryan feeds him fried eggs which went against my gut instinct (I mean who feeds a toddler that?) and the egg yolks have prompted his latest outbreaks. As for the the Skin Writing disorder- it is annoying and my Allergist said only 2-3% (readings say 4-5%) of the population have it.

- Partly due to the above item, I had to stay home from church because of runny noses or allergies and rashes.

- At my ultrasound last week they measured this baby at 75% instead of 50% meaning I have a big baby. I KNOW. So, that prompted her to want to see me every 2 weeks and watch my sugars again. I'm having braxton hicks frequently and at some point I just have to sit down. (like all the time) This is how it went with Landon. And he was 3 1/2 weeks early and my dates weren't off and he was 9.3. I think I feel a pattern repeating here. I won't make it to 38 weeks for sure. My placenta moved. So far I am okay for my 3rd vbac.

-Ryan built a playhouse under our swing set.. he thought it was more for Emma. She gets booted out a lot from the tramp and big boys. Well, once it was finished, the big boys moved in. I even overheard, "Ya, you should put a flower box on the window!"

- My mom is going to have more than a few grand baby's this year. I'm not announcing for anyone!

-Landon won't say "mommy" or "ma" or "mama" or even "mother" yet. I try so hard too! I hear "Daddy" during the dark hours of the night. It's my call I guess, since Ryan does not hear his name being lovingly yelled.

- Emma does not want to wear anything unless it is a dress.

Our 3 year old Emma

Emma officially turned 3 yesterday.

She was born a little over 2 weeks early and had some breathing and jaundice problems... we were so happy when she finally was able to stay home. Tanner, 4 at the time, hated leaving her in the NICU and told Ryan, "Boys don't leave their girls!" This still makes us smile... there is no way we could ever forget our Emma.

Days old:

At one:
At two:

3 years old, blowing out her shared birthday cake from Grandma Sue's birthday.

How we love her... we can not help that she loves pink or princess' or babies. Potty training was finally a success when I encouraged her that "only big girls who don't where diapers can hold our new baby." Ryan hopes she grows up to take care of us.. her daughterly duties to her father I suppose. She likes to feel the skin of our stomachs (sometimes annoying), loves to eat salad and strawberries, grapes and watermelon, and she is already sensitive to the feelings of others, noticing sad, hurt and happy emotions, especially of her family. She reminds us that "we are friends." She had a birthday dinner of Pizza and had picked out any carton of ice cream that was pink on the outside- no surprise to us.

Circus Birthdays for 2

Tanner turns 7 and Emma turns 3 this month- we combined there birthdays for one party.

The kids bounced and slid (maybe some parents did too)...

Played in the obstacle course (races of parents against kids and spouses against spouses)...

Played in the tot room...

Shared a cupcake cake with ice cream...

Before...

And After...
But mostly, 2 happy kids that we love so much.

The Getaway- 10 things to say

1. I left a fridge covered in typed memo's (food, habits, emergency contact) & an envelope with health insurance cards for Ryan's mom and we were on our way to Nashville for almost 2 days. I don't think she even had to use any of the memos advise- Grandmas always have a way. I think the first day was spent crossing the streets and looking behind me to want to instinctively tell a child to "stay with me" and waiting to feel a little hand on my back. But, Ryan had no childless transition problems. I realized he walks too fast most of the time- maybe that is why I am always the one with the little "attachments".

2. Our hotel was in downtown- the city is very clean. We weren't too far from Broadway that had a strip of honky tonk's that were each showcasing different local talents. Ryan kept wanting to go in.... I felt a bit awkward being so pregnant and entering a bar. Not really my scene. He understood- not his either. But a fun place.

3. We had by far the most wonderful meal we have ever had at (Morten's). So relaxing and the food was phenomenal- worth every cent of splurge.

4. We went to the Country Music Hall of Fame (only ever need to do this once), Grand Old Opry Hotel (amazing and where we will stay upon a next visit) the Opry Mill Mall (why can't Louisville have one too?) , The Rainforest Cafe, some guitar store for Ryan, the Apple Barn, and walked and walked and walked. I brought the wrong shoes.

5. We talked and talked and talked. And laughed. And it was nice to have time to listen to just him.

6. I still didn't sleep well. I think maybe one more night would have cured me of my habit formed periodic arousal's due to children that don't sleep well. Ryan slept fine. As always.

7. We shared meals almost everywhere we went. And that was nice- especially not having to share with a child on the lap.

8. I realized Ryan drinks a lot of Diet Coke... at every meal. The doctors substitute I guess.

9. I'd take this stage in our relationship over any newlywed phase. Really knowing him and him knowing me by far beats out the initial stages, for example. Ryan, " I think that food is too weird for you, " and me, "You can have as LONG as you want looking for new tennis shoes at the Nike outlet. I will just sit right here and you can take your really LONG old time." How comforting to know each other like that, right?

10. That I really do love him. And when our children are gone I really will enjoy just him. I'm certainly one lucky girl.

Grandma Came to Town

She had her birthday here too. It was a sad day when she left yesterday, but the kids enjoyed her so much and Ryan & I enjoyed visiting with her. She loves each of her children and grandchildren and sees in each of them their own special gifts... we will all rise up and call her blessed one day for certain. Thank you for all your help and service mom!

I'm getting so excited!

First, I must say that I have been blessed with dear girlfriends at each different transition in our journey of continual moves. That said, I love my friend Stephanie that let me back out on a girls retreat so that I could surprise Ryan and take him away instead. It was a hard choice to make- but, Ryan and I are coming up on 9 years and we have gotten away once- when Tanner was 6 months old. I will not count each time I have been recovering in Labor & Delivery and he sleeps on the fold-out as a "getaway", sorry. And with #4 around the corner, Steph understood. And that is why I love her.

So, Ryan's mom is coming this Wednesday. I all but kept it a surprise until Ryan tried to pick up some moonlighting shifts and so I had to tell. But, I held it in for a while. We're getting away just for the night to Nashville but will be gone for 2 full days. Alone- without the kids. Is that enough time to miss them?

She'll be here to help with a birthday party this weekend and we will have her here for her Birthday as well- on Sunday. She leaves Monday, which I sense will be a really sad, sad day further proving we live to far from family as always. Curse the residency phase, okay, and maybe the Air Force phase as well.

I had Ryan home for Conference Weekend. BOTH days. He was here to witness Emma knock over my favorite floor lamp, which shattered into a million pieces and took an hour to clean up and dinged up my new table a bit. This was in the midst of the Sunday Morning session. Oh the reverence.

He's working today (I should clarify, he's on his two week block of official vacation from residency shifts, but that gives him the opportunity to pick up some urgent care shifts that can pay a pretty penny in our book of poverty). Tanner's first day of Spring Break- which has felt like a little boy fest from park to our backyard. Unfortunately, he was also not here to have witnessed Landon throwing my only good house phone into a sink of water. Don't think it's gonna make it through. Forgive me if my phone just rings and rings...

ps- Tanner asked if I was as good as a "strong guy"? For certain I said, just am not that good at bending over right now with my tummy.

pss- Sorry for myself Mandee G. that I won't meet you- but I know that I would have loved you.

My blog turned 1.

I found that my blog has been worthwhile for my little family this past year- I have always kept a journal, but this has been a really interactive way to record life happening to us and has helped me keep in touch with others.

This past year I had "blog on the mind", which morphed to "don't forget, when you get to it, blog this:...", to "blog on pause" and I think I have finally settled in on a routine I like. It's not longer taking over, but is fun to have around when I put it in balance. If it goes on pause again, I know it will always be here. Just like a nice little friend.

"Code 13" at the Zoo & Julie

Now that I know what "Code 13" means, I think it important to share for Louisville moms like me who frequent the zoo with young children. It means large animal (cat) out of the exhibit. Code 13 was our day at the zoo. I saw Zoo Staff running really hard and it caught my attention to the point that I thought, when you run like that it causes a bit of a panic feeling. So, I was already on alert. Then I was yelled at to get to safety in the Giraffe House and I could hear on the walkie talkies of the zoo workers "out the back gate" and "too much cross interference" which I interpreted to me too many people on the walkies talking at once. Anyhow.

I had this conversation with Aunt Julie (more like a sister) after my zoo trip. Julie was our sometimes babysitter & my moms littlest sister. While growing up she told us if we put quarters in the ground, Popsicles would grow there. We did put quarters in the ground, and they did grow, and she had no problem robbing us of any spare change we had. Additionally, we would rub her back for looong lengths of time for a stick of gum, she gave me my first strawberry shortcake tape player, and dated a boy named"Leaf" and I went to visit him with her once- I remember thinking he had such a weird name. She made "Chinese Eggs" which I thought were so fancy and yet were scrambled eggs chopped up so much they were like little peas. I rode the bus to the mall with her and she was always the most fashion savvy- hence being queened "best dressed" in High School. And to this day, she is still the most perfectly dressed person that looks good in anything. It makes my sisters & I all pretty envious. Anyhow- back to my phone conversation with her today:

Me: I took Emma & Landon to the zoo this morning.

Julie: Hey, you have to be careful about zoos you know. Especially since that tiger got out of that cage (in San Fransisco over Christmas). I won't go there anymore.

Me: Yah, I know. I was thinking about that today. Then there was a "Code 13".

Julie: What's that?

Me: An alarm for a "large animal out of the exhibit" that required us to quickly be ushered to the Giraffe House for safety.

Julie: SEE! You can't go to the zoo anymore! They are not safe. If one animal gets out due to bad safety standards you have to assume the zoos have poor safety standards at the other exhibits. I can't believe that happened to you! I tell you, don't go back to the zoo. Ever. Again. I mean that animal could have got one of you! Oh my gosh!

She took another call and then called me back and said she was going to tell her husband. I told her I called Ryan at the Urgent Care and he said, "crazy things always happen to you." He lightly laughed at me especially since he KNOWS I followed that SF zoo case and honestly had been looking at the animal enclosures to see if they could get out. Now I know they can.

I will go back, but if there is ever EVER a "code 13" again I will run for my life. And that will be my last trip to that zoo. And, I won't tell Julie cause she will have said "I told you so" and besides, Emma could not stand the smell in the Giraffe House and that was pushing her to her limit- I would hate to get stuck there again.

Easter Events

I wish I could say this year was the year that I really planned up to Easter... but it seems that Ryan's work schedule has been worse lately and the book I bought last year to prepare just did not get pulled out in time. And truthfully I don't know that it was age appropriate. Maybe in a good 5 years.
The Easter Bunny visited on Friday afternoon... Tanner mentioned he thought the Easter Bunny might not be. We had Family Home Evening and then I took the kids to hide for the "game" while Ryan was supposed to hide their baskets. But I think he took too long. And Tanner did too. I think he was starting to put two and two together and so that prompted his question.

I tried to have some resemblance of an Easter Dinner, but my day had been busy with extra kids in the morning and so dinner did not seem too pulled together either. Ryan worked Saturday til 9pm and then left Sunday morning for the VA hopsital and met me early monday morning for Emma's tube surgery (that's another post) so that he could relieve me of Landon. The week before was stake conference, which we went to without him too and then Easter Sunday, and that left me thinking how I much I would love to live near a grandma's house. We did bring him dinner on Sunday and he did not get paged or interupted and so that was a successful visit.

For Family Home Evening, after Easter, I did do the scriptures with the 12 eggs (that mom shared with me and I found again here ). I do love these eggs and next year for certain they will be out and used much earlier.

Easter 2008

Love Notes

As I was at our Relief Society Birthday Celebration tonight I noticed in the far corner of the pocket of my apron which my Grandma had sent me this week, there was a slip of paper. I pulled it out thinking it was garbage and noticed the smallest, smallest little blue envelope with "Lacey" barely able to fit on the outside. I opened the envelope to find in my Grandma's handwriting, "You are loved by so many. I am proud to be your Grandma. Much love. " I know that I am most certainly not her only grandchild to recieve such a note- a glimpse of her heart. And I know that the many is really not too many. But in my own moments of all too often feeling pretty mediocre and drab and sometimes unimportant being "just a mom" she reminded me that I was her grandaughter first. That she sees me in such tenderness is quite poignant- isn't that how I feel about my own children? It is. And it was nice to remember and feel the pride and love of someone that has been so important in my life. I will try harder to remember that and not be so easily discouraged. I will treasure this little note from her always.

Spring Training 2008

Felt Like

Spring for a moment anyways- new bike needed for Tanner this year. He has grown so much from last year. Maybe for his impending Birthday we tell him ;) . He wants to know why the Easter Bunny can't bring him one? Ryan said he doesn't know what kind of Easter Bunny brings a basket like that. (If yours does, please don't tell.)

Thanks for your work postman

I found this on my door today... thank you Aunt Julie and D. Such a treat and thoughtful gesture- especially since this weekend will be a bit lonely since Ryan works all weekend and I know that Easter Egg Hunts are going on at various location with family members.

Thank you Grandma! I cried when I opened your box and found the toile apron. I love aprons and will think of you everytime I use it- and all of your "leftover" kitchen items.

Thank you mom for the brown bags and for the great books! I think the potty book has been definite incentive this week and the stickers are the best of all-
I got great wood blocks from this crafty lady in the mail this week too. Thank you Heidi! Far more than necessary.
And finally, a bit ago, my good friend Jocelyn sent me this Heather Baily toiletry clutch cause I mentioned I was always looking for one. As if she doesn't have enough to do... she is so giving with each of her talents.